It Started With A Kiss Under the Mistletoe
by fananicfan
Summary: I had three story ideas this holiday season, and I wrote all three.  In this one, Harm and Mac are married and have a son, but things aren't going so well.  Will Christmas bring them together? Read and find out.


**It Started with a Kiss Under the Mistletoe**  
**by: fananicfan**

She didn't know what to do to cheer up her son.

They'd had a wonderful Thanksgiving at the Roberts' home and had begun the countdown to Christmas together, but the closer it got to Christmas Day, the less excited her six-year-old son, Ben, became.

She knew that more than half of Ben's sadness stemmed from the fact that he adored his father and that his father was currently on a ship halfway around the world.

Of course, there were regular letters and phone calls, plus a few chats via the web here and there, but she knew that he missed his father and that it was only amplified at this time of year.

"Not just because it's Christmas, but this Christmas is when Ben is the same age that Harm was when his father was shot down."

"How many times has Harm told our son the story of why he goes to The Wall every Christmas Eve and, this year, Harm is on a carrier, flying?"

"Too many times, that's how many!" I answer my own question angrily.

I sigh heavily. My anger leaves me, but sadness takes its place.

Didn't Harm realize when he'd told Ben that story that his son would be petrified any time that he was deployed, but especially at Christmas?

Not only is he missing his father, but this year Ben is the same age as Harm was when he lost his father. That's got to have him worried to death that history is going to repeat itself and that his dad won't be coming home, which is keeping him from enjoying the holiday season.

They'd been fortunate in the time since Ben had been born that Harm hadn't been deployed at Christmas - Valentine's Day, her birthday, Ben's birthday, Easter, Memorial Day, Fourth of July...just about every other federal holiday, but this was his first Christmas deployment.

"Did the first one have to be the Christmas that Ben is six?" I ask out loud, though I'm still alone in my office.

I begin to fumble with papers, trying to get my mind back on the case on which I'm supposed to be working, but my thoughts quickly turn from my son to my husband.

'It doesn't matter where he is. Harm and I agreed that, when he returned from sea duty next month, we'd tell Ben that the three of us wouldn't be living together anymore,' I think to myself.

Being in love with Harm was easy. Living with him was much more difficult.

In the months of preparation leading up to his current deployment, we'd fought about almost everything.

One of the things that I resented since he's gone a good deal of the time is that he's always the good guy and I'm the disciplinarian with our son, but when Harm smiled that smile and said that it isn't his fault that he's gone so much, that it's the price of us getting married and him having billets under different commanding officers that has him underway more than he's at home, it made me angry.

I don't know if it's the cocky smile or the fact I feel like he's throwing it in my face that he's the one who was transferred from HQ and not me, but whichever it is, I get angry and bring up every little thing that annoys me, like the number of times that I've had to eat a meatless dinner in the years that we've been married.

Being at each other's throats more often than we were making love in the weeks prior to his current deployment, we'd agreed to separate. Though with Harm's departure so close, we'd decided not to tell our son of the likelihood that we'd be getting a divorce in the New Year when Harm returned in six months.

Divorce had just been so easy for me to say in the heat of one of our battles, yet it wasn't so easy to take back. In the months since we said goodbye to each other, I've gained a different perspective of what life without Harm would be like, not only for our son but for me as well, and I'm no longer sure that I want a divorce.

However, though I miss Harm, it doesn't change the fact that we have problems in our marriage, the biggest is in communicating without misunderstanding each other.

Absence may make the heart grow fonder, but it doesn't fix what's broken.

I inhale deeply as if the air that I take in will give me the needed resolve to move my life and my son's life forward.

"The sooner that Harm and I divorce, the better it will be for Ben. We'll be able to take the energy that we're burning on fighting with each other and put our focus on Ben and being the best parents that we can be, even if we are divorced," Mac said out loud to what she thought was her still empty office.

She'd been so lost in thought that she'd had no idea that Harriet had stepped into her office.

"You and Harm are getting a divorce, Ma'am?" Harriet's voice cracked with emotion.

"Harriet ... " Mac felt sorry for her having heard, especially in her condition.

It was a particularly awkward moment since she and Harm hadn't discussed telling their friends, and with no papers actually filed, it seemed premature for anyone to know, especially before their son did.

"Please come in and sit down," Mac said, ushering Harriet towards one of the chairs in front of her desk before closing her office door so that she could speak privately with Harriet.

By the time that Mac had slipped into the chair beside her, tears were rolling down Harriet's face.

"Harriet, please don't cry. It isn't good for you or the baby to get this upset."

"When are ... you and Harm ... why?" Harriet's questions came out in garbled phrases when she took in air between her sobs, but Mac understood her questions: When are you getting a divorce and why are you getting a divorce?

"I don't know when, Harriet. Harm and I have only discussed getting one, not any specifics like when, but with him halfway through his deployment, I guess it'll be soon now."

Harriet took in a breath, her tears ceasing in an instant.

"Then it isn't too late to change your mind," she states happily.

"Even if I've changed _my_ mind, there hasn't been anything in his emails or our conversations that suggests to me that he's changed _his_ mind."

Mac felt panic rise up inside of her at the thought that Harm might want to start the process soon so that the divorce would be final before he got home.

Would she be getting divorce papers for Christmas this year?

Realizing that Harriet was saying something, she pulled herself from the horrific thought.

"Have you talked to him at all since he's been deployed?" That was the question that came through clearly to Mac, though she was sure that Harriet had been asking others while she'd been lost in thought.

"Of course, we've talked about Ben, but ..." Mac began, but let her voice trail off.

Harriet was a friend, and she did want to talk about it, but she wondered, if she was the best person for her to confide in about her marriage to Harm.

"... But not about how to make things right between the two of you?" Harriet finished, but she'd said it like a question in case she'd misread the look on her friend's face.

"That's right. Besides, I don't know what's left to be said. We've already said more than enough," Mac said, thinking of their last argument and how hurtful the things that they'd said to each other had been. "We're doing the right thing now by concentrating on what Ben needs."

Harriet stood and, in a stance of defiance, stated firmly, "What he needs is his parents to be together...to get their heads out of their sixes and remember that they love each other." Remembering that she was speaking to a superior officer, even if she was her friend, Harriet added, "Ma'am" without regretting a word of what she'd said as she left Mac's office with her head held high.

Mac was stunned by Harriet's uncharacteristic outburst, but her mind had already begun to process what she could do to resolve the situation with Harm - one way or the other.

**************

Alone in my office again, I sit down at my computer.

After four attempts, I finally drafted an email that I felt wasn't too direct, but wasn't too off-point either.

After reviewing my words yet again, I erased all that I'd written and, in the subject line, sent the following one line.

'Do you remember when we began?'

**ON A CARRIER THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY**

I'm staring at a picture of my son, wondering if I should write to my wife and tell her that my request for holiday leave has been granted and that I'll be home for Christmas.

Can I still call the house that she and I shared with our son my home?

It isn't just that I want to tell her that I'm coming to town for the holiday, I also want to tell her that I feel that we need to talk, that we shouldn't let words that were spoken in the heat of the moment dictate what step we take next, especially when we won't be just ending a marriage, but breaking up a family.

I hate the fact that we fought so much in the weeks before my deployment, but after three months at sea, I can no longer remember which one of us voiced the dreaded words in anger - "I want a divorce."

It doesn't really matter which one of us said it because the other one had agreed without a fight. However, as they say, 'if I could do it over again, I'd do it differently,' because I think that I gave up too easily.

If it weren't for my son, Ben, I wonder if I'd have been able to hold onto my sanity out here where the roll of the ship rocks you to sleep at night and one day blends into another so seamlessly that one can easily lose track of what day it is.

I never really cared about how long I was on the ship before I married Mac. However, with Mac and then Ben in my life, I finally understand why married men start to count the days from the minute we board ship for deployment until we're back in port.

Mac would never keep my son from me. I know that for sure, but there's a loss in knowing that the brief touching of my lips to hers when I'd left on this six-month deployment was probably the last time that she and I will share intimate contact.

More than three months later, I'm still mourning my marriage that ended due to the heated words of two impassioned people who were trying to find a balance between career, their needs and what they want for a child whom they love dearly.

Every time the ship receives a mail drop, I hold my breath and wait to see if this will be the day that the divorce papers arrive.

Time apart has cooled my anger and given me a taste of the emptiness that I'll feel when I'm single again.

After a few days on board, I heard one guy tell the story of his ex-wife cancelling his visitation with his daughters the weekend before we were deployed, and it gave me a glimpse into what my future might be like.

No longer will I wake up at home and be able to walk a few feet to my son's room to see him. There will be a schedule to follow, every other weekend ... every weekend ... no matter the regularity, nothing sounds like enough time to spend with my son.

Even now, when we aren't yet divorced, I'm having trouble deciding what proper protocol is when trying to initiate a visit.

Do I email my wife and tell her that I'm coming home for the holidays? Do I show up as a Christmas surprise? Do I make arrangements to stay at the Navy lodge or a hotel? Do I assume that staying at the house is okay, but that I'll be sleeping in the spare room or on the couch where I slept the last few nights that I was home before my deployment?

There's so much to know even before you get a divorce, I think as I continue to wonder if I should email Mac about my impending visit.

I hate the word divorce and I hate the idea that I'll be divorced even more, but there's nothing left to say. We've hurt each other enough. We need to stop fighting and put Ben first. We need to move forward and give Ben the best possible parents, even if we aren't together anymore.

I turn on my laptop.

Ignoring the problem isn't going to make things better. I need to start to communicate with her for Ben's sake.

I need to let her know that I'm getting leave and that I want not only to see Ben, but her, too, and that I hope that we can work out the details before I arrive to minimize everyone's stress because the last thing that I want or need for Christmas is to argue with her or hurt her or our son anymore.

I carefully begin to review the text that I've entered, scrutinizing every word like I think that she might do, looking for some hidden meaning.

Mac,

I know that we were having problems when I left. I know that the word divorce came up, but what I don't know is if you meant it. I've been approved for leave at Christmas and I'd like to come home, _talk_ about our options and see you and our son, but I don't know if I'm welcome there...

I stop reading. It doesn't sound right.

I highlight the text and press the delete key. In the blink of an eye, I'm staring at a blank screen.

I begin to hunt and peck at the keyboard, entering another message when my computer chimes, alerting me that I've just received a new email.

I'm feeling some relief. A new email gives me an excuse to break off what I'm doing to have a look.

I click to open my Inbox, and the bold lettering of Mac's email address is staring back at me.

Fear grips my insides. I'm not sure that I'm ready to read an email from her. She could be warning me that the divorce papers are on the way.

Worried about what she might have written, I look to see if she's given me a clue in the subject line.

I read it once, then twice, and I'm intrigued, so I click on the line to open it.

When the email opens, I find that she's written nothing in the text.

Is this an invitation to reminisce about the days when we were happy before bringing our marriage to an end? Or is she, like me, having second thoughts about divorcing and hoping to remind me of the feelings that brought us together in the first place?

Hoping that, if it's the first, by playing along I'll be able to accomplish the second. Since, in spite of the hurt feelings, I'm still in love with her and want to be with her, I move the mouse over and click on 'reply'.

I type the following message:

For me, it started with a kiss under the mistletoe. That's when I realized that I was in love with you and that my life wasn't going to be complete without you in it.

I know that you asked when we began and I know that I didn't ask you out for a month after that, but up until that point, I'd been able to convince myself that I wasn't in love with you. However, once my lips touched yours that evening under the mistletoe at Bud and Harriet's, I knew that, not only was I in love with you, but that I'd marry you and we'd have family.

What I didn't know at the time was that sometimes the pressures of life and career obligations derail your heart's dreams, and you have to fight to keep your family together and not argue with each other.

No matter the situation that we're in now, I love you, Mac, and I'll always love you.

Harm

*******

He hit send before he could change his mind about the contents of his response.

He was still in love with her and he wasn't ready to give up on love, her or their family, and what better time to try to reconcile than at Christmas when it had all begun with that kiss under the mistletoe?

**MAC GETS HIS EMAIL THAT NIGHT AT HOME**

I'm sitting on the bed and looking at the list of emails in my Inbox.

The subject line, 'Do you remember when we began?' catches my eye, but that's what I'd written. Did my email come back to me?

A quick look to see who the sender was, and I had my answer. It was from Harm.

Had he sent an answer or simply sent my email back to me?

Quickly, I click on his email, feeling like a child on Christmas morning opening a present, anxious to see if the contents is the gift for which you'd asked Santa or something that you knew that your mother had to have given to you because it was too practical, like socks or a new sweater because yours had a hole in it.

I read his words once and then a second time, and they bring tears to my eyes.

The tears aren't so much for what he wrote, but that he replied at all is the sign that I've been praying for. All isn't lost. There's hope that I can put my family back together for Christmas, and that would make not only my son happier, but me, as well.

Wiping the tears off my cheeks with one hand, I click on the word reply with the other to respond to his email.

Harm,

I love you, too, and I wish that you could be here with us for Christmas.

These past three months apart have given me time to think, and though I believe that we have issues that need to be worked through, I don't believe that we should seek a divorce without talking to each other more about how to fix what's broken while still enjoying what's right, and not just for our sakes, but for Ben's, too.

I miss you.

Mac

**ON THE SHIP  
THE NEXT DAY  
**  
I enter my quarters having come from a flight debriefing - only two more days until I'm on a COD that will be the first flight in my journey home for the holidays.

I still haven't told Mac that I have leave and that I'm coming home, but after receiving her odd email, if you could call the one question in the subject line an email, I'm not sure that I should mention it to her, though just showing up probably isn't a good idea either.

I turn on my laptop and, while it boots up, I get out of my flight suit.

I open my email and see an email from Mac.

I quickly click on it, wanting to know if she seems receptive to talking with me before I mention that I'm going to be in town for Christmas.

I read the first line three times - I love you, too, and I wish that you could be here with us for Christmas - before I whisper to myself, "be careful what you wish for" and continue to read the rest of her note.

I'm nearly in tears by the time I've finished reading her email. It says that she wants to talk more before getting a divorce. There's so much hope in her words.

The holiday that had me delighted at the prospect of seeing my son and tormented me with the uncertainty of what awaited me at home when it came to my wife, suddenly doesn't seem like such a pull of emotions, but rather a chance to bring us back together.

Christmas is a magical time of the year, indeed, I think as I type a one line reply to Mac.

'I'll be there for Christmas.'

**MACKENZIE/RABB HOME  
DECEMBER 23RD  
**  
I'm glad that Bud and Harriet offered to keep Ben for the night to give me time to do a few last minute things like wrapping the last of Ben's presents and putting them away until tomorrow night when, since Harm isn't home, I'll put them under the tree.

The last email that I got from Harm said that he'd be home, but with Christmas only two days away, I'm on edge, and that's another reason why I'm glad that Ben isn't home tonight. My nerves are frazzled, and I need to get myself together.

I'm starting to get riled up. It's one thing not to come by to see me, but to say that you're coming for Christmas and not show up to see your son is quite another thing.

I'm glad that I didn't tell Ben that his father said that he was coming. He'd be crushed right now, having not heard from him yet.

I wonder momentarily if my correction to his last email: "If you're coming here, you'll be home for Christmas," could've offended him in some way.

Did he think that I was asking for too much too soon? Did he feel that I was pulling him back into a marriage that he wasn't sure that he still wanted?

Assessing that there was nothing in the email that should've offend him, and if it had, then a reunion at Christmas wasn't likely going to mend our marriage, I went about wrapping the remaining gifts, bringing in some wood for the fireplace, checking to make sure that I had all the ingredients to make my contribution to Christmas Eve dinner tomorrow night at the Roberts' house and various other busy work until there was a knock on the door.

I wasn't expecting anyone. Harm wouldn't knock, would he?

I make my way to the front door and look through the peephole.

Seeing the man standing outside, I swing the door open wide and launch myself at him.

**********

Between flying and sleeping, Harm hadn't had a chance to check his email in the last thirty-six hours on board ship, so he didn't know what kind of reception to expect from Mac as he knocked on the door.

With presents balanced in one hand, Harm nearly toppled over when Mac leapt into his arms.

Once he was sure that he wasn't going to fall, taking her with him, he wrapped his free arm around her and held her close.

He couldn't find words to describe how incredibly good it felt to have her in his arms again.

Then her head tilted up, and he did the same to see why she was looking upward.

When his eyes locked on the sprigs of green hanging above their heads, he smiled before he brought his lips to hers.

There under the mistletoe, they shared a kiss.

**********

Harm returned to the carrier to finish his deployment, but taking advice from Chaplain Turner, they not only spoke by email, but wrote each other long letters delivered via snail mail about past hurts and how they wanted their future to look.

When Harm returned, they spent several months going to see a marriage counselor, and soon not only were Harm and Mac back on track and more in love and devoted to each other than ever before, but there was a baby sister on the way for Ben.

For the many years of marriage that followed, every Christmas Harm made sure that he kissed Mac under the mistletoe at least once during the holiday season, just as a way to say that it started with a kiss under the mistletoe, and I still love you. 


End file.
